It is always challenging when a relationship comes to an end. This is particularly true in the case of a marriage ending in divorce.
We bring to a marriage all of our hopes and dreams for what we want our future to be, along with all of our family programming and any personal development we have learned along the way. It is difficult to give up all of those hopes and longings when a relationship simply no longer works. How, in the face of such overwhelming disappointment and loss, can we hold onto our true selves without getting pushed completely off track by such strong emotions?
Perhaps keeping these few things in mind will help you maintain your balance in such a situation:
1) Remember that the person you are divorcing now is someone you loved once -- even if you don't feel as loving toward them anymore for whatever reason. You chose this relationship and/or marriage, and now you must give yourself permission to un-choose it if that is the only way the two of you can have peaceful lives.
2) Remember that this person is a parent to any children you may have, and it is important for the children health and well-being that the two parents get along and make decisions amicably.
3) Remember that you are choosing to leave this relationship also, and your time, effort, and energy will be much more constructively spent planning your new life than wallowing in recriminations about the old one.
4) Ask yourself this question: wouldn't you rather get along with this person rather than spend your time and energy fighting with them? How many rounds are you prepared to go over who gets the plates or the lamp? Remember that you are paying a lawyer at some point to work out such details, and the longer you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse fight over such things the more money the lawyer is going to charge.
5) Remember that the world is full of stuff, and you can always buy or find new stuff. If the other person is stuck on ownership of some specific item -- let them have it. Preserve your sanity and your budget. Besides, do you really want to have in your new home anything the other person feels they still have a claim on? Wouldn't you rather just start over fresh? Think about it.
Keep these things in mind as you dissolve your marriage, and perhaps you can both save your emotional and mental health. For more on this subject please read our article titled Rebuilding After Divorce.
