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Dear Positive Way, I
have been happily in a relationship with my partner for 10 months. We were
both happy and very much in love with each other.
He came out of a 6 year relationship with his ex last year and I know he was
very hurt as his ex dumped him and has since had a couple of new boyfriends.
My partner was involved in a car accident 5 weeks ago and whilst under
medication he continually asked for his ex to visit and how much he still
loved her. Obviously this has devastated me and I know my partner is also
saddened by the circumstances. His ex has now visited the hospital several
times, but has made it clear that she is not interested in getting back
together.
My partner accepts this, but has admitted that he still hasn't gotten over
her. I visit him daily and it is breaking my heart that our bond has been
broken. He is still as loving towards me and says constantly that I'm the
best thing to have ever happened to him, but the timing wasn't right.
I'm going through so many emotions just now. I'm heartbroken as I know he
loves me and I'm angry because of what's happened. People say I should stay
away from him, to allow him time to perhaps miss me. I find that hard, as I
want to see him. But would staying away be a good thing? I truly love my
partner, but don't want to be in a relationship with him if he seems so
bothered about a woman who doesn't care about his feelings and treats him so
callously the way he ex does.
I don't want to compete with his ex. Should I walk away for now and give him
time or should I perhaps even walk away for good. Signed tinydaffodil, age
38
Dear Tinydaffodil, I can understand your hurt and concern on whether
to walk away for good or give him time for now. There is good news and
bad news that I have to share with you. The good news is that many
ex's are still in love with their ex's and yet they move on and learn to
love another just as much if not more. Your partner even if he
still loves his ex for now it does not mean that he loves you any less or
that he can't move forward and get beyond his feelings for his ex. Now
for the bad news: The bad news is that if his ex should decide she
will take him back then there is a high risk that he will return to her.
Sad but true. Here are some things to consider:
1. Verify, in the
best way you know how, that his ex is not pursuing him again. Ask
directly if you have too. If she is interested and going to try to get
him back then let the man go. He is not worth fighting over. You
can't compete with an ex if one is still in love with the other. You
would be fighting a losing battle.
2. If you feel
confident that she does not want him back then give him some time and help
him work through his feelings. We recommend a great book that can help
him in this matter. You will benefit greatly from reading it as well.
It is "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher.
It contains excellent advice and insight on the subject. We feel sure
it will help both of you. We have included a direct link to the book if you
are interested.
3. Sensitive men tend
to hang on to past love much longer than women and they will forgive and go
back very easily if given the chance. With that in mind they also can
fall in love with someone else and move forward with some time and
counseling when needed. You can help him move forward.
Please read some of the
articles on our website for relationships and
also the article on Rebuilding after Divorce.
We also have a compatibility guide that
could help the two of you decide if there is enough foundation to move
forward.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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