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Should I have a baby?
Dear
Positive Way, My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for almost 1
1/2 yrs. At first, I wanted to have a baby, now, because I feel older, have
some physical problems and I feel I do not have the patience for a baby. I
already have 2 teens that are almost on their way to college. I feel like a
new life is ahead of me and look forward to the change. My boyfriend who I
love dearly, wants a baby with me. No one else but me. He tells me if I
don't want a baby he cannot deal with it unless I am physically unable to
have one. He has given me ultimatums before about this issue and threatened
to break-up with me. I love him so much, I have been sick of the thought of
not spending my life with him. I am going to counseling (at his expense) to
help me with this, but I am confused. He says he loves me very much, yet if
I don't have his baby, he can't deal with me. I am so confused. Help! We
were engaged in Feb. then broke off the engagement in July of this year. I
am very afraid I would resent him and the baby if I had one. Should I break
up with him???? This is killing me. I hate it, I am so desperate. Did he
really love me. Right now we are not communicating. Help! Mary (age
39)
Dear Mary, thank you for your
email. I can understand your turmoil over this situation with your
boyfriend. You must be feeling sick and emotionally drained going through
this. I am so glad you are getting some counseling. I can certainly
understand your confusion over this whole ordeal. Here are a few things I
would like for you to consider:
1. Please do not have a baby just because your boyfriend wants it. That is
the wrong reason to bring a child into this world. You and you alone should
make this decision for yourself not for the boyfriend. Let's face it you
have already had your children and they are ready to move on with college. I
agree with you that a new life is ahead for you and the change will be good
and positive.
2. I don't feel your boyfriend understands the full meaning of love. True
Love does not put demands on the relationship. True love does not give
ultimatums. True love does not threaten a breakup of the relationship.
3. Good communication is necessary for sustaining a lasting, loving
relationship. If communication has broke down because you won't give in to
the demands of your boyfriend then this is a big warning sign to you and
what lies ahead for this relationship. Danger. It is better to settle this
now instead of you agreeing to something that will prove to be a problem in
the future.
Mary, please read any of the self-help books on self-esteem. Also check out
our self-esteem articles. This issue is
more about self-respect and self-esteem than you might realize. If you
really felt good about yourself you wouldn't have such grief over sticking
to your decision - to not have a baby. You would realize that you have the
right to live your life the way you want to live. You would not allow
yourself to be under the control of another human being. Mary, you could
try the following:
1. Have a meeting with your boyfriend and tell him again that you do not
want a baby. Let him you know you love him but you are not willing to
sacrifice yourself and your needs for the sake of the relationship. The
relationship will never survive under those conditions. Read the article
on Expressing and Owning Your Feelings before you
have your talk.
2. Continue your counseling and start working on developing your
self-esteem. As you feel better about yourself it will be easier to let go
of your boyfriend.
3. Don't force this relationship. Research shows anytime your force a
relationship to work it always fails and the damage is sometimes
un-repairable.
4. Feel the fear and let your boyfriend go. Yes it will be hard. Yes it will
hurt. Yes you will be alone for a while. But in the long run as you work on
your self-esteem it will be your road to feeling better and finding a
healthier relationship.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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