Should I follow my
parents beliefs
or my boyfriends beliefs?
Dear Positive Way: Well, the problem I have is sort of complicated in
itself, and it is kind of difficult to put into words to another person.
see me and "Barry" have been seriously together for 4 or 5 months now.
we met at work, and after much flirting and signals, we went out on a
couple of dates, and then discovered all of the things we had in common,
and became very interested in each other, and decided after some
hesitation at first, to go out. we always knew that it would turn into a
serious relationship shortly after our first dates so we were cautious
and were slow, also because I had gotten out of a year and a half long
relationship 4 months before going out with Barry was an option. He is
22, and I am 18. we quickly developed an intense relationship, and our
phone conversations would last 5 or 6 hours , until dawn, and even then
we really didn't want to get off the phone! we enjoyed each other's
company so much that it didn't take no more than a month before we said
the sacred three words to each other. communication has never been a
problem. we can talk about anything at all, and sometimes I fear that
maybe I've shared too much, like my inner most desires and fears,
hopes and dreams, I always knew that once someone knew all that stuff
about you, they had some serious ammunition against you. but Barry and I
felt totally and completely comfortable telling each other extremely
personal things, we were comfortable with each other, there was no
deceit or fakeness in his heart, I know that. he became the only thing I
talked about, thought about, etc. we thought we were meant for each
other, like soul mates or fate, we had a very spiritual and emotional
relationship, talking about everything to religion, to physics, to
philosophy, you name it. I still believe in my heart that we were meant
for each other but he really doesn't. things kind of changed 3 months
into it, and we started thinking more realistically, and we started
having lots of doubts. I felt like I shouldn't have opened myself up to
him like that, and my parents would get in the way more than I thought.
is it wrong to totally defy your parents so that you can be happy? my
parents are Christians, and Barry and I are agnostics, but they push
church down my throat, etc. and this makes Barry angry that I let them
control my life to a certain extent. I am moving out in march '99 and
hopefully Barry will still want to move in with me. but he thinks that
he is "waiting on the line" for me, and he feels that he's fallen in
love with the person that I desire to be, by moving out, finishing
school, having my own independence, etc. we've only been together for 4
or five months but this problem just seems so unfixable, is it? I feel
like we're meant to be together though, and I don't want to end this
with Barry, he is my life. he seems like I am too young at times, he
told me once that it feels like he's trying to have a serious
relationship with a kid, what should I do?
I love him and would do anything to make him happy, but I feel that I am
risking losing him because he feels like I am not going to do all the
things I said I would do. he asks me to spend the night with him like at
a hotel so we can be alone, and I want to, I do, but my parents have
instilled such a morbid moral that it's wrong, da da da, and I just want
to spend every moment being happy with him. what should I do? Signed
Carrie, age 18
Dear Carrie: Thank you for your email. Believe it or not there
will be plenty of time for you to be happy and lead your life
independently. Don't rush the process. Take your time and enjoy being
with your parents at this time and following their example and Christian
beliefs. Until you are out on your own it is right that you follow your
parents and their guidance not the guidance of your boyfriend. Here are
some things I would like for you to consider.
1. It is wonderful to have someone that you feel you can be totally
yourself and have a lot in common with. Time does change things however
and it sounds like your boyfriend is trying to push you away from your
parents and towards his beliefs and his principles. This concerns me
and should concern you.
2. You boyfriend it seems is trying to rule you with guilt. Saying
that it seems like he is with a kid. Don't buy into this kind of
pressure. Stay at home as long as you can and when you are ready you
can move out on your own and create your own life with your own morals,
principles and values.
3. Your boyfriend needs to give you the space and respect that allows
you to move at your own pace. Not his pace. If it is meant for you two
to be together then it will work out in the right time. Don't force
this relationship to happen sooner than you or your parents are ready.
When you get too intimate too quickly that can be the start of a
breakdown in the relationship. It really doesn't help to be too
intimate too soon. Intimacy takes time, growth, patience and
understanding. It should not be rushed.
Carrie, I know you love this man and it hurts you to not be able to be
with him the way he would like. Understand that anytime you feel
pressured it is a warning sign for you to slow down and take notice.
Step back and really analyze the situation. You have your whole life
ahead of you and I promise you that you likes and dislikes will change
over time and you will want more that what you want at this time in your
life. I wish you all the best.
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Please
understand you have free will. This advice is given only in
the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be
considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.
We wish you well. |
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