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He still loves his ex

She says she doesn't love me anymore

Dear Positive Way,

 

My girlfriend after 4 years has decided that she is not in love anymore and she has left our apartment that we have a lease on until April 2007.  This just has happened only 2 weeks ago, i have bought a ring and was in the process of proposing, she knew about the proposal and got spooked.  Now I am all alone with no answers, we speak and her only answer is that she does not feel the same way.  I never knew this and she has never mentioned anything about her feelings changing before.  We have decided to go to  a couples therapy and i am really excited about this, but my only concern is that the reason she says she is going is because we can remain friends.  WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT MEAN.  She also has insisted that i give her space and I have respected her wish.  I do not call her, but from time to time i text her.  She lives with one of her girlfriends.  How can we work out our problems if she is not around or even trying to.  I feel lost and i feel that maybe to much time! has passed.  It has been so hard on me and i don't want to just walk away.  We have a life together and I am in love with her.  Do you have any advise that you can help me with.  I want to know that if a person is not in love anymore can things work out and can they fall back in love with the same person.  Also, can couples therapy really help us? I am willing to try anything.  Thanks, signed Rhythm, age 29


Dear Rhythm, I can understand your hurt and surprise over your girlfriends behavior.  I will answer your direct questions first and then give you some advice to consider.  Yes, it is possible for someone to fall out of love and then back into love if there was a solid foundation of love to begin with.  Couples therapy does help many couples however BOTH parties must be  committed to making the relationship work and if they both aren't committed to making the relationship work then rarely if ever will couples therapy do any good.  With that said here are some things for you to consider.

1.  Women fall in love through their ears.  They can literally be swept off their feet by the "right words".  However, once a woman decides she does not love her partner anymore it becomes an uphill battle to win her back and usually a losing battle.  Was she really in love with you or was this a one way love?  You may have overlooked signs that she was not as committed to you as you were to her.  Since her response is that "she does not feel the same" then shouldn't your question be - did she ever really love you?

2.  You do need some answers from her before you can move forward. You have a right to ask certain questions and seek some answers and couple's therapy can be a safe place for both of you to really speak the truth and not be in denial about what is really going on.  Since she has agreed to do this I highly recommend you try it.  You may learn some things from each other that are better learned in a safe environment with a therapist that can make some sense of all of this to you.

3.  As much as this hurts you, do give her the space she has asked for.  Honor that request but don't put off the counseling for long.  Set up something sooner than later that you can both agree to.  Don't badger her about this.  Set up a time with a therapist yourself and then ask her to join you.  You could both benefit from the insight of an outsider looking in.

Until then I am going to recommend you read several articles on our web site that I feel will help you in this matter.  The titles are as follows. Five Myths that will kill any relationship,
Expressing Love read all of the articles mentioned on that page. Expressing and Owning Your FeelingsProblems - What can I say?  Also, since you are hurting so much and since such behavior from a girlfriend can take a toll on the self-esteem please read all of our articles on Self-esteem and take care of yourself so you can be stronger in dealing with whatever is presented to you so you can move forward no matter what.

Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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