She says she doesn't love
Dear Positive Way,
My girlfriend after 4 years has decided that she is not in love anymore and
she has left our apartment that we have a lease on until April 2007. This
just has happened only 2 weeks ago, i have bought a ring and was in the
process of proposing, she knew about the proposal and got spooked. Now I am
all alone with no answers, we speak and her only answer is that she does not
feel the same way. I never knew this and she has never mentioned anything
about her feelings changing before. We have decided to go to a couples
therapy and i am really excited about this, but my only concern is that the
reason she says she is going is because we can remain friends. WHAT IN THE
WORLD DOES THAT MEAN. She also has insisted that i give her space and I
have respected her wish. I do not call her, but from time to time i text
her. She lives with one of her girlfriends. How can we work out our
problems if she is not around or even trying to. I feel lost and i feel
that maybe to much time! has passed. It has been so hard on me and i don't
want to just walk away. We have a life together and I am in love with her.
Do you have any advise that you can help me with. I want to know that if a
person is not in love anymore can things work out and can they fall back in
love with the same person. Also, can couples therapy really help us? I am
willing to try anything. Thanks, signed Rhythm, age 29
Dear Rhythm, I can understand your hurt and surprise over your
girlfriends behavior. I will answer your direct questions first and
then give you some advice to consider. Yes, it is possible for someone
to fall out of love and then back into love if there was a solid foundation
of love to begin with. Couples therapy does help many couples however
BOTH parties must be committed to making the relationship work and if
they both aren't committed to making the relationship work then rarely if
ever will couples therapy do any good. With that said here are some
things for you to consider.
1. Women fall in love
through their ears. They can literally be swept off their feet by the
"right words". However, once a woman decides she does not love her
partner anymore it becomes an uphill battle to win her back and usually a
losing battle. Was she really in love with you or was this a one way
love? You may have overlooked signs that she was not as committed to
you as you were to her. Since her response is that "she does not feel
the same" then shouldn't your question be - did she ever really love you?
2. You do need some
answers from her before you can move forward. You have a right to ask
certain questions and seek some answers and couple's therapy can be a safe
place for both of you to really speak the truth and not be in denial about
what is really going on. Since she has agreed to do this I highly
recommend you try it. You may learn some things from each other that
are better learned in a safe environment with a therapist that can make some
sense of all of this to you.
3. As much as this
hurts you, do give her the space she has asked for. Honor that request
but don't put off the counseling for long. Set up something sooner
than later that you can both agree to. Don't badger her about this.
Set up a time with a therapist yourself and then ask her to join you.
You could both benefit from the insight of an outsider looking in.
Until then I am going to
recommend you read several articles on our web site that I feel will help
you in this matter. The titles are as follows. Five
Myths that will kill any relationship,
Expressing Love read all of the articles
mentioned on that page. Expressing and Owning Your
Feelings, Problems - What can I say?
Also, since you are hurting so much and since such behavior from a
girlfriend can take a toll on the self-esteem please read all of our
articles on Self-esteem and take care of
yourself so you can be stronger in dealing with whatever is presented to you
so you can move forward no matter what.
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.