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Seeing is Believing
by Phoebe Fox
Change yourself, and you change your world. Not everyone else's world, to be sure, but certainly the immediate world in which you live -- your relationships, your work environment, your attitude toward life, your life itself. Mahatma (Mohandas) Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." While these words inspire many, they contain a more personal truth. You must be the change you wish to see in your world. Only then can you shape things to suit your true life and support your authenticity, and only then can you live up to your fullest potential.
It is easy to see the ways in which our situations are influenced by other people. It is easy to overlook, however, the powerful influence of our own thoughts over our lives. Gandhi reminds us, "A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes." Henry Ford said it another way, "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't, you're usually right."
What have your thoughts been telling you, lately?
As a person who hails from Missouri, I grew up in what is referred to as the "Show Me" state. This does not mean merely that people who are born there refuse to believe anything until they see it, but rather that the surest way to demonstrate a truth is to act upon it. One's actions will reflect one's beliefs far more clearly than anything one may say upon the subject. Don't just talk about a thing; do it. If you are unhappy in your present circumstances, stop whining and do something about it. If you feel a lack in some area of your life, it is up to you to change it for the better. "You may never know what results come from your action; but if you do nothing there will be no result," Gandhi assures us. (He sounds as though he could have been born in Missouri, but I don't believe he was.)
How can we take action in personal situations where we feel we have so much at stake? Take heart from knowing how much you have at stake (for only you can gauge that part), and then resolve to take action commensurate with your stake in the outcome. Remember, as Gandhi tells us, "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." When I was growing up, I heard this phrase as, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog."
Sometimes the best way to handle a situation is not by taking action, but by saying 'no' and meaning it. If you are truly done with something, whether it be a situation or a relationship, it is up to you to put others on notice by altering your course of action -- and that begins with saying 'no' about it, even if you have said 'yes' in the past. Continuing to behave as though you are okay with things the way they are only sends mixed signals to others that you are in the same place you've always been. You owe it to them, as well as to yourself, to clearly state the change in your position, and then make certain your actions are consistent with your new position. You can clear up a lot of confusion, and save everyone a lot of time and trauma, by simply making sure that your actions are consistent with your thoughts. "A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble," Gandhi cautions us.
"What if I say I want things to be different, and others do not react well to this," you may ask? You cannot change another's actions; all you can do is change the way in which you react to them. Someone who really cares about you as a person will support your autonomy to make changes in your life. A selfish person does not know how to do this and, no matter how much that person protests that all they want is "for you to be happy," it will not ring true.
"Suppose I make a change, and the other person's reaction is to shut me out or cease to be friends?" That is a risk, to be sure, particularly when one is dealing with a highly emotional or reactive personality. To get through those moments, keep in mind that your life will remain as it is until you make this necessary change. "It takes living through some things to make you appreciate other things," my folks used to say. Another important point to remember is that a person who withholds love, in order to get you to do what they want, does not truly love you. That is not the way a loving person acts. Withholding love is a method of manipulation, and anyone who will do that has just tipped their hand that they care more about getting what they want than they care about you.
Another person's negative reaction to your taking positive action in your life may feel painful, at first. Keep in mind, though, what Gandhi said on this subject, "Nobody can hurt me without my permission." If you allow the other person's reaction to stop you, that is you allowing it to happen by giving your power away. You cannot blame the other guy for that; you will have done it to yourself rather than deal with their feelings. Other people have their feelings, just as you have yours, and rarely do human emotions coincide. You can only choose the path that is best for you; it is the other guy's job to choose the path that is best for him. If reaching accord becomes impossible, and the other person seems unlikely to forgive you for making positive changes in your life, simply recall Gandhi's words on that score: "The weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
Gandhi's wisdom allowed him to take the broader view and, therefore, to remain objective -- even in the most highly-charged situations when people's lives were at stake. Eastern philosophy encourages this broader approach to life. Western cultures, particularly ours here in America, focus on the immediate desires of the individual. When two people are pushing at one another with their disparate or opposing energies, conflict may arise. In such situations, it is easy to lose sight of the greater good and give oneself over to the conflict. When asked what he thought of Western civilization, Gandhi replied, "I think it would be a good idea."
Keep yourself from getting stalled by holding the vision of your improved life firmly in your mind's eye. In such situations, seeing is believing. If you can see your new way of life, you can achieve the goal of making your dream a reality. If things don't work out smoothly at first, do not give up. Simply regroup and, once again, move forward along your path. We are not defined by our mistakes, but by our willingness to change things for the better. Recall what someone as slight of build as the actress Mary Pickford understood, "That which we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." There is no shame in not getting it right the first time, provided one doesn't give up; it is often only through our attempts that we learn to do better. "Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err," Gandhi comforts us.
No matter one's walk of life, the lessons never cease to present themselves in our lives. From the time we are born on this earth, we are learning and growing, and that is as it should be. "Live as if you were to die tomorrow; learn as if you were to live forever," Gandhi challenges us.
May you eagerly learn your way through life.
"When I despair, I remember that all through history, the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible; but in the end they always fall. Think of it -- always." -- Mahatma Gandhi
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