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Dear
Positive Way,
I need some advice about how to handle my first meeting with my stepmother.
The background is that I have been estranged from my father for the last 6
years. I have made attempts to maintain contact but it has been difficult
since he is very emotionally and verbally abusive. He married my junior high
principal 4 years ago. I was not invited to the wedding because it would
have made him ‘uncomfortable’. My parents had a difficult divorce and have
still not separated the assets. My mother died last February from terminal
cancer. Everyone says he waited for her to die, so that he wouldn’t have to
give her anything. My mother raised me on her single income. One of her big
accomplishments was that she was able to move us out of that environment and
she provided me with more love than I think most children receive from both
parents.
I am working on bring
peace into my life and rebuilding after losing my mother. It has been really
difficult. My decision to bring my father back into my life may have been a
poor one. I wanted to get it out of the way before I start university again
in the fall. I decided last week to mend some fences with my father. I still
as the executor of the estate have to handle their separation. Now, my new
stepmother called to say that my Dad is out of town but that she would like
to have lunch. I agreed. I have no idea what to do or how to handle this
situation! I have no one to turn to for advice.
The meeting is on Thursday! So soon! How do I have lunch with this lady?
What do I do if she asks my why I limited contact? What if she is as
manipulative as he is? What if she makes me feel worse? Any advice? Signed,
Peggie, age 20.
Dear Peggie,
growing up as the child of divorce in such a difficult situation as yours is
very hard to deal with. It sounds like you are making great strides in
coming to terms with the issues. It can be a lifetime process of healing
and self-development. I’m sure the loss of your mother has been especially
difficult and mourning can be a long process and you will probably forever
miss her. You are fortunate to have her in your very being as she shared so
much with you as you grew up. You asked four specific questions so I will
address them in order.
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How do I have lunch
with this lady? You have judged this as an opportunity to mend some
fences with your father. I would guess that you have limited expectations
from this meeting with his new wife (a stranger to you). Perhaps the best
thing to expect from lunch would be just to get to know her a little and
see if she is interested in mending fences as well (remember she is a
third party). You have the opportunity to tell her what you want
(exploring the possibility of creating a new relationship with your
father). And you can ask her what she hopes to gain from this meeting.
This should put things on the table so you have clarity about the purpose
of the meeting. Doing this early in the meeting puts you in control. If
you don’t like what you hear then or at any time, you have the power to
excuse yourself (I’m sorry but this is not going the way that I would
hope.) and leave. You have no obligation to stay in the conversation just
because it’s lunch. Consider some of the
communication methods on
our site.
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What do I do if she
asks my why I limited contact? By now you will know what she has said
about why she wanted to meet you. You can respond according to that. The
simplest response is to say that your father has a history of being
emotionally and verbally abusive toward you. Be honest but there is no
need to go into any more detail than you wish this person to know at the
moment. If she presses for details ask her why she insists on knowing.
Ask her what her motives are. Then you can decide if you want to go
further or save the information for later if ever.
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What if she is as
manipulative as he is? Remember what I said in answer number 1 about
control. You have the right and obligation to end the conversation at any
time that you choose. It takes two people for manipulation to occur the
manipulator and the object of manipulation. As you chose to distance
yourself from your father to minimize his manipulation, you can do with
others. At the very least, you can say “That makes me uncomfortable” to
end or redirect the conversation.
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What if she makes me
feel worse? She can’t make you feel anything if you don’t let her.
Obviously you have strong feelings around this whole situation but those
are your feelings. Feelings cannot be imposed on you. You can, however,
be put in situations or told things from which you will derive strong
feelings. It’s up to you to control those situations and then monitor and
refine your resultant feelings.
-
Any advice? My
general advice is that you continue your journey of bringing peace into
your life and rebuilding. There are some great books on the subjects of
being a child of divorce and grief. Also be open to the opportunity to
bring other advisors into your life. Most universities have counseling
groups and some have self-help organizations. Please consider availing
yourself of them. A university, church or non-sectarian grief support
group in your university area would be a real benefit for helping you
grieve the so recent loss of your mother.
You may be only 20 but
you’ve had more experience with difficult situations through this divorce
and life in general than most people have in a lifetime. Use your inner
strength and strong desire to rebuild to continue to go forward. Seek to
associate only with people who share your vision of a better personal
future. We wish you the best on your journey.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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