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My girlfriend is depressed and doesn't want
to date anymore
I dated a girl for 3 years, and except for the first 6 months, the
relationship seemed to keep drifting farther and farther apart yet we stayed
together. In March of 1997 I proposed and she accepted, then basically told
me it was over in September because she said she was dealing with personal
issues. (She suffers from depression) She said she still wanted to be
friends and that she did not want a relationship with anyone until she
"healed herself" well, I tried the friendship thing for a while and I lasted
about 2 weeks...then we had no contact for about 3 months...and again I
tried this time for about 1 week. It was just too hard to be casual friends
with my feelings having stayed the same so...again we did not speak for 6
months. Now I'm trying the friendship thing again and holding my own but it
is agony looking for little hints that she may want to start again (She has
said she feels much better now and has the depression under control) However
she still maintains that she wants a relationship with NO ONE at this time,
and would get annoyed if I brought the subject up again.
My question is...she has decided not
to see anyone including me but this friends thing is torture and seems to
make things tense between us even though I'm not talking about it. I
thought about just forgetting the whole thing but would that show her I
don't think she's worth waiting a bit for? I feel like maybe she wants to
see if I can be her friend and wait for more later, and that she would say
"Aha, just as I thought" he wants an instant girlfriend and is not willing
to wait. I ask her if when she does decide to date again would it be with
me? and she replies "I don't know, and your pressuring me again" but she
never comes out and says NO! It's very frustrating to spend time with her
and read negative thoughts into ever time she sits too far away or doesn't
ask me in when I drop her off from an outing, etc. I probably know the thing
to do is move on but I wonder sometimes if I'm just being too impatient.
What do you think? Signed, Frank age 34
Dear Frank: Thank
you for your email. It is really hard being involved with someone who
experiences depression. Depression can cause some strange behaviors
including that of withdrawal. Your girlfriend still seem depressed from
what you have shared with me. There are a few things I would like for you
to consider.
1. Depressed or not I do feel your girlfriend owes you a response on
whether she would be interested in dating again in the near future. I think
you should ask her directly and if she doesn't have a direct answer then you
should move on.
2. You are not being too impatient. In fact you might be showing too much
patience. It is best to be direct. Express your feelings and needs and
give her a chance to respond. You shouldn't be left hanging like this.
Understand life is too short to keep waiting around for someone to be in the
right mood for you to date.
3. Be honest and open with your feelings. Read the article on our web site
titled Expressing and Owning Your Feelings . I
think this will help you approach your girlfriend without putting her on the
defensive.
Frank, if you don't get a positive response from her, let her go. Move on
and mourn your loss. If you get permanently involved with a person who
experiences severe depression, you will find yourself hurting allot and
feeling very out of control. The depressed person is responsible for
themselves. They must make the decision to seek help if necessary. You
cannot fix or change them. They must do the work themselves. Ask her to
get some professional help and tell her you wish her the very best.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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