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Dear Positive Way:
My current boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 1/2. I
questioned him about his past sex life before we became intimate and he
assured me that he didn't have unprotected sex with anyone and even told me
the number of women he was with. Last week he let it slip that he had a 3
month relationship with another woman 15 years his senior 6 months before we
got together (He had a hard job remembering her name) and that they did
sleep together.
Also, approximately about the third or fourth time we slept together, he
brought out this vibrator kit and wanted to use it with me. I asked him
where he came up with that and he told me he bought it for a friends wedding
as a gag gift and then thought better about giving it to him. I asked if
he'd used the stuff with anyone else before me and he said no, not at all.
Later I found out That he did indeed buy it when he was with his last live
in girlfriend and they u ed the vibrator. I felt totally betrayed and
frightened. I asked him to get checked for STDs and he readily agreed to
that. (Everything came back negative thank God), and he's promised to keep
everything honest from that point on, however, I can't seem to get this
stuff out of my head. I wanted to be with this guy forever, but am I being
completely foolish?? Or should I give him a chance to prove that he can
indeed be straight with me? Signed, Am I being Foolish
Dear Am I being Foolish:
Thank you for your email. I can understand why you would feel
betrayed and frightened over the disclosure of more partners than your
boyfriend had remembered in the past. You were right to have him get checked
for STDs and I am glad they were negative. There are a few things I would
like for you to consider.
1. Your boyfriend should have been straight with you from the start. You
should not have to give him a chance to prove that he can indeed be straight
with you. He started out not being truthful with you and I feel this is a
big warning sign. You need to take notice and understand there could be a
big difference between your principles and values. He obviously feels he
can lie and hope to get away with it. This is not a good sign.
2. He needs to earn back your trust and respect. This may take some time
but he has to accept the consequences for lying to you in the first place.
When we catch people in a lie it is very hard to believe them in the future.
I am afraid you will continue to have doubts about him telling the truth.
3. Has he lied to you about other things? Honesty is necessary for a
lasting, loving relationship. Without honesty there is no real foundation
for a healthy relationship. Please search your soul and listen to your
inner voice. Do you trust this man completely? If not it is time to
reconsider the relationship. It is better to end a relationship now instead
of hanging on for another year and a half and find out that there are more
lies.
4. Sit down with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. Own your
feelings. Let him know how important honesty is to your relationship. You
have been betrayed in a sense and you need to express these feelings with
him. If you haven't already, please check out the article on our web sitetitled Expressing and Owning Your Feelings .
Also check out the article on Forgiveness . I
think you will find these articles helpful before talking with your
boyfriend.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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