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Dear Positive Way, I met my guy two years ago in a
concert (Atlanta). We're thousand miles away each other so, we trying to
communicate through email or telephone. Sometimes in March 2005, he proposed
me to get married and from today, I haven’t seen anything to set up a date.
I tried to put pressure on him, but was impossible. Anyway, I still love
him, but he act very rude when I’m with him and when I kissed him (when I
see him) he said that I’m too needy (and I noticed that we’ve barely talk
each other about us...we spent talking about how to do and stuff)...He seems
to enjoy me too, but, could you recommend me what to do???
I love him so much... Signed, diablita, age 27.
Dear diablita, I can understand your concern that
your fiancé is acting rude to you and refuses to talk to you about your
relationship. You are certainly not “too needy” when you want to discuss
the things that are important to your future together. The best time to get
to really know each other and work out the details of what married life
would be like is during the engagement period.
Long distance
relationships are very, very difficult to build a lasting marriage on
because of the communication problems and the inability to truly get to know
each other.
I have the following specific suggestions for you to
consider following. You can change your life for the better.
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Listen carefully to
what your fiancé is telling you. Read between the lines and interpret his
actions. The great contemporary American poet and philosopher, Maya
Angelou once said, “Believe people when they tell you who they are.” Your
partner seems to be saying in his actions (rudeness and avoidance) that he
is far from being in a position to marry you. He is also saying that he
does not want to invest the time and energy into talking with you to build
the relationship. Just because you love him, don’t assume that he feels
as strongly as you do. It sounds like he is already showing you two of
the
five warning signs that a relationship might be in trouble. Take the
Relationship Dynamics test and see how you score.
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Please understand that
if he will not talk with you now and reciprocate your offers of love,
romance and understanding, it would only get worse if you were to rush
into marriage today. You are absolutely right to want to talk about the
important things today. I recommend that you take the time to go through
the
compatibility and interest guide on our site. If your fiancé won’t do
it with you that will give you important information. If he does then you
will have even more information about his intentions and maturity.
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You can use the
communication techniques offered here on our site such as the
NAME Statement to let him know how you feel and what you want him to
do. Take a look at the other
communication articles as well and find a method that feels best for
you.
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Consider that your love
is strong but may not be a mature love that will build a lasting
marriage. It’s exciting to meet at a concert, share the thrill of the
music and then to flirt and communicate long distance. The reality of
marriage is that the concert is long over. You have bills to pay, work to
do, and the troubles of life to manage together. This takes a different
kind of love than the first excitement of passion when you first meet.
Please read
Understanding Love and the
Five Myths.
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You are showing real
maturity by seeking answers to these questions now. I think that in your
heart-of-hearts you truly understand that you do not have a strong enough
foundation to marry this man. If you want to pursue it further with him I
strongly suggest that you undergo premarital counseling together. We
highly recommend the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP)
as it has been shown to reduce the chance of marital unhappiness and
divorce.
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If your fiancé is
unwilling to do this work, break off the engagement and work on your
self-esteem. Use this opportunity as a life lesson to do better next
time.
We wish you the best in your journey to finding your ideal
mate. Yes, it is work and there are some detours but you can succeed if you
work on yourself to become the best person you can be. Don’t settle for
less than you deserve.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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