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Marriage and
sex.
Dear Positive Way, my husband and I only have sex once a month, and
when we do it only last for a few minutes. He is never here because he
works 2 jobs. I never want for anything. He pays all the bills
at our house that we just recently have. So what shall I do? I
don't believe in cheating. I am a Christian woman who works and goes
to college. Please help me with this problem. Signed, Andrea,
age 31.
Dear Andrea,
Sex can be an integral part of the intimacy of relationships. Sex is
usually not an issue unless one person is dissatisfied or you are fighting
over it. Having said this, I believe that you have given us some very
important information in your question and you can use this to bring about
the change you desire. I’d like for you to consider the following points.
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“He is never here
because he works 2 jobs.” Perhaps you miss more than sex. Maybe what you
are really missing down deep is that connection that a loving couple can
have when they share time together. You also work and go to school (a job
in and of itself). That’s two people and four jobs. If the stress and
burden don’t get in the way of a relationship then the lack of time will.
Now, I’m going to give you a fifth job. I want you to start working on
your marriage by making sure that somehow the two of you have quality time
together as often as possible. That means that you are going to have a
“date” once a week. It doesn’t matter when you have the date but it
matters that there be no stress, no strain, no money talk, no job talk, no
school talk and no distractions. Do what you enjoy now or what you did
when you were dating. Since you want to change the situation it is up to
you to take the lead for now. Eventually he will want to take over for
some of the dates.
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“I never want for
anything. He pays all the bills at our house that we just recently
have.” It sounds like your husband is acting in the role of provider. He
has taken on the job of making sure that you have what you need to be
comfortable and is willing to sacrifice by working two jobs to make that
happen. And you are working your two jobs as well. When men and women
are tired it is hard for them to engage in long love-making even if they
enjoy it. Stress is one of the best contraceptives known to man since
the dawn of time. I suggest that you reevaluate your lifestyle to see
if there are ways that you can save money and then see how much income you
really need. Maybe you and he can cut back a bit on the hours and still
be comfortable. In our Love and Money
section of this website there are some great ideas for saving money. Then
you can have less stress and more time to enjoy each other. It is also
important that you acknowledge the sacrifice that he is making for the
family. You almost cannot say that too much; especially as you help him
redirect some of his energy toward the relationship.
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“…it only last for a
few minutes.” We are not sex counselors but we do understand that men
tend to take on a great deal of responsibility in sexual relations. That
responsibility can add to an already stressful situation. The net result
is often a short time together. Please consider taking more of a
leadership role. Take the time to give him relaxation, comfort and
pleasure. Then guide him gently in the ways that you would like to
experience your pleasure. This may take some time as it is a role
reversal. One small step at a time is much more likely to succeed than a
rush to getting everything you want at once. Patience is a virtue.
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Please read the
following articles Get of the Merry-go-round, the
selection of articles on
communication, and Rekindling Romance.
Much of this material is derived from our book "Talk to Me" which has more
detail on communication.
Men often look toward their wives to be the spiritual and
social leaders in the family while they have their noses to the grindstone
in the role of provider. You have the opportunity to reinvent your
relationship by taking a leadership role in the job of working on your
relationship. It sounds like you have a lot going for you both. Now is the
time to reevaluate what you both are working for and what really matters to
you. Good relationships are harder to build than a house. And they take
far more maintenance.
We wish you the best.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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