Loneliness – what is it?

 

Contrary to what some people think, loneliness is not the same as being alone.  Shortly after the death of my husband, I experienced severe loneliness.  At the time, I didn't understand the difference between loneliness and aloneness, so I mistakenly thought that if I simply left my too empty house and went out and socialized, my loneliness would go away.  Too soon I learned that even while surrounded by a roomful of people, I had never felt so lonely in my life.  Thinking that I just needed time to acclimate myself to being around people again after being so isolated during my husband's illness, I started spending most of my waking hours around other people.  It took a while, months actually, before I began to realize that the loneliness was not coming from the lack of being around others, it was coming from within.

Most feelings of loneliness seem to stem from something inside of us (or lack of).  In my case, my loneliness was caused from the loss of my best friend, my husband.  No amount of frantic socializing with other people would ever fill the void that he had left behind.  Once I realized that, I began the process of trying to figure out how to change loneliness into aloneness.

Aloneness, unlike loneliness, is the ability to be alone with yourself and be content. 

For most of my life, I had never figured out how to be alone and be content.  So I began the painful process of learning.  It took a long time, but as I examined my life, I realized that I had spent the majority of my life in useless, frantic activities, trying to stave off loneliness.  Slowly, I taught myself how to enjoy being alone.  Instead of running out the door every day at the same time to socialize, I re-discovered some of the solitary activities that I used to enjoy – reading, candle making, writing.  At first, it was very difficult and I was only able to stand being in the house past my appointed “go time” for about a half-hour.  Eventually, I was able to extend that time, and in the process, I found that I was able to actually enjoy being alone.  Interestingly enough, at some point, almost without me even realizing it, my loneliness turned into aloneness, and I realized that there is strength in being alone without fear.  The trick is to understand that being alone does not mean being lonely. 

This article won third place in the 2009 Positive Way Relationship and Self Development Contest. Written by Faith B.