Money issues and more
Dear
Positive Way,
I have been married for 6 years and have 2 girls (2 and 5). I am writing you
because my husband and I are currently fighting. It seems like we are always
doing this even on our honeymoon. My husband does not support his family. We
are currently living in my parent’s condo that was supposed to be rental
property, but they have let us live there rent free for about three years.
We lost our dream home because he got behind in the payments. My parents
also gave us $30,000.00 to put down on the house and we were only in there
for about 18 months. We don't communicate and everything is separate; he
wants separate bank accounts, he buys groceries separately and even has his
own separate P.O. Box. He also has an issue with his temper. He has pushed
me during an argument and has yelled at me in front of our children because
he didn't agree with how I was disciplining my oldest daughter. His parents
have a poor relationship. In the whole 6 years we have been married, I have
not seen his father hold a conversation with his mother or show any type of
affection. He has physically abused her in the past. I am so scared. He says
I overreact when I confront him about the "abuse"- he says it is not abuse.
Granted it doesn't happen on a regular basis, just when he becomes very
upset. Am I overreacting? By the way, his parents are 55 years- old and are
barely getting by financially because of bad investments or poor handling
with money. Could this be a cycle? Signed, junebug.
Fear my husband's behavior
Dear junebug, you ask two very
important questions and paint a very troubling picture of your marital
relationship and your husband’s behaviors. I will address your two
questions and offer some additional thoughts for your consideration.
1.
“Am I
overreacting?” Our response is an emphatic “no.” You are not
overreacting. In fact, you may be under-reacting. “He has pushed me during
an argument…” is abusive behavior. The controlling and deceptive behaviors
over money and issues of temper are classic symptoms of what some experts
would term to be an abusive relationship. Abuse is insidious as it works
its evil spell on the abused individual. The abuser will, of course, deny
that it is abusive. Some, in fact, may think that it is normal treatment.
Please read the materials about
abuse on our site:
You should also immediately avail yourself of professional assistance.
Please call
the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or your local
domestic violence center to talk with someone about it. They will help you
assess your situation and provide assistance to you and your children. Do
it for the children and yourself.
Hiding money and who knows what else while not providing for his family is
not acceptable parental our spousal behavior.
2.
“Could this be a cycle?” Our response is an emphatic “yes.” We
learn most of our life behaviors from our home environment. Our parents are
our teachers. Unless individuals take action to learn a different set of
principles, values and behaviors that those of their parents, they will
perpetuate what their parents have taught them.
If you ever want to make an estimate of how a youth will turn out later in
life, take a look at their parents. If they are financially irresponsible,
the son or daughter is likely to be financially irresponsible. If the son
or daughter is not given affection, they are likely to be ignorant of how to
be affectionate. Unless your husband is taught different behaviors he is
unlikely to change. He is in dire need of counseling and teaching in both
of these areas at least. You would also benefit from counseling as a way of
stopping your role as a victim and participant in this relationship.
If you want to break the cycle so your daughters don’t perpetuate the
problems, you must take the lead and get the help you need to stop the
behaviors now. What you are teaching them, whether you realize it or not,
is that it is okay to tolerate the way you are being treated. You need
to set boundaries.
Recognize that we are not experts in abuse and such matters
cannot be handled with just an email or printed information. This is
something that calls out for professional assistance. They are the ones who
can give you the immediate professional guidance that you need.
Does he love me? Does she love me?
As a note for others who may find themselves in a similar
situation, please take the time to think during your romance and
engagement. Evaluate whether or not your prospective long-term partner
shares your principles and values and whether or not that is likely to give
you the quality of relationship and life that you are looking for.
Remember: Like father, like son. Like mother, like daughter. That can
give you some clues. The rest comes down to having the important
conversations and making the key decisions before committing to marriage.
It is easy to say “I love you,” but it takes real work to build and sustain
love for decades to come.
If you have any
uncertainty about a relationship please visit
www.dotheylovemenow.com and use the tests and resources to help with
decision making about what to do with the relationship. It will help
you evaluate the health of the relationship and make decisions about what to
do...hopefully before you get into a difficult situation. The
only thing worse than having a bad relationship is allowing it to continue
(especially with children).
Change for the better
It is in your hands to set boundaries and set
out to change the situation for the better. Here is a
link to a useful article but we do think that this
is a case where you will greatly benefit from professional counseling and
assistance.
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