The Joy in Treating Others Well

by Phoebe Fox 

 

Have you ever lived through an experience of being treated disrespectfully by someone who could just as easily have chosen to treat you well?  When faced with the option of treating someone courteously or treating that person shabbily, why do some human beings persist in making the negative choice? 

When it comes right down to it, it all comes down to character.  "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him," wrote Johann Wolfgang von Goethe , German poet, novelist, playwright, scientist and philosopher.  Abigail van Buren, better known to most of us as 'Dear Abby' from her weekly newspaper column, took this concept one step further.  "The best index to a person’s character," she advised, "is (a) how he treats people who can’t do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can’t fight back."

It takes such a little effort to be kind to others, but it requires much more energy to ratchet oneself up to the point of behaving antagonistically toward others.  And where is the joy in that? 

There are those among us who believe they make themselves bigger when they belittle another person.  Such individuals do not seem to realize they are merely chipping away at their own souls.  Treating others poorly comes at a price:  it is a waste of energy, for one thing, but worse than that it is a waste of spirit.  Anyone who uses his/her energy to be unkind or ungenerous does so from a belief that the positive choice is somehow costing them something.  What do such individuals fear they are losing, if they make the positive choice?  What do any of us have to fear from being a little kinder to those around us?  "It is with trifles, and when he is off guard, that a man best reveals his character," German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer wrote. 

Pablo Neruda , Chilean poet, diplomat and political activist, tells us that "All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are."  If that is true (and it certainly resonates as truth), then a person who uses his/her encounters with others as opportunities to display negative behavior is certainly conveying the truth of that negative character to those same people.   Woodrow Wilson, America's 28th President, once commented, "If you will think about what you ought to do for other people, your character will take care of itself. Character is a by-product, and any man who devotes himself to its cultivation in his own case will become a selfish prig." 

An individual who makes the selfish choice in dealing with others often fails to realize that focusing on what there is to lose in any given situation obliterates the joy that exists in a moment of kindness shared with another being.  When we make the choice to be kind and considerate in our encounters, on the other hand, we elevate our connection with all beings.  That sense of shared joy is the connection most people search for, but complain they never seem to find. 

If you have been feeling a lack of connection lately, then perhaps it is time to examine your conduct with those around you to see what choices you have been making.  Most of us can recite the words of the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) by heart, but how many of us consistently choose it as our first course of action when dealing with others?   A modern version of the same rule is to treat others as you would like to be treated if you were in their situation.  It is so easy for human beings to distance themselves from others by focusing on differences in circumstances between us, rather than to focus on the truth that we are all on the same journey through this world -- even if our life lessons may be different. 

The choice to be kind is the beginning of experiencing joy in our relationships with others.  In the Jewish tradition, there is a word for someone who consistently makes healing, rather than hurtful, choices in dealing with others; the word is 'mensch'.  The literal translation of this Yiddish word means "a person."  The term carries a much deeper significance in its figurative meaning, however.  According to the Jewish Link, "A mensch is a person with whom you would be happy to associate and befriend, because you feel genuine in a mensch's presence.  A mensch is a highly evolved human being.  Menschlichkeit (the art of the mensch) has nothing to do with looks, with wealth, with success, or with intellect.  A mensch exudes a certain magnetism that attracts us, whether or not words or glances are exchanged. A person is a mensch because he simply makes others feel good." 

Thomas Carlyle , the Scottish historian and author, cautioned that "Conviction is worthless unless it is converted into conduct."  Saint Bernard of Clairvaux wrote, "Hell is full of good wishes and desires," which was later paraphrased as, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."  Put these two concepts together, and you get the idea that our good intentions don't amount to much in our dealings with others.  It is only when we choose to actually treat others the way we say we would treat them when given the opportunity that our conviction (or lack thereof) to those ideals becomes clear.  And if it is not clear to us, it most certainly is clear to those with whom we have contact. 

So when you have an opportunity to interact with other beings, and you are faced with the choice of either being critical or kind, helpful or hurtful, ask yourself:  Why not be a mensch? 

Give yourself the chance to experience the joy of treating others well.  For more about this subject check out Phoebe's column titled The Gift of Character