I want to become a better
listener for my partner.
Dear Positive Way, I am currently engaged and I am having
communication problems with my fiancé. This has been happening quite
frequently this past month. I need to know how I can be a better listener to
his problems, I often find myself pouring my heart out to him but when it
comes time that he wants to talk about something that's bothering him I
always seem to turn it into something about me. For instance he explained to
me that I never want to make love during the week, he feels like I only have
intercourse when it's convenient to me, every time he initiates something
I'm either not in the mood or I'm too tired. Instead of listening to him I
turned it around to be about me and I have a negative reaction whenever it's
about me. I want to be here to listen to him and support him, not to make
him feel as if his feeling are not important. How can I stop turning it
around and focus on making him feel at ease. I do care about his feelings, I
want to stop being so selfish. Any advice would be helpful! Thank You.
signed Kristan, age 20Dear
Kristan, you are very wise to seek some advice on this subject now until
years down the road where if it is not resolved it can cause even bigger
problems in the relationship. First I feel there are two issues going
on in this one question. Let me first answer your direct question on
becoming a better listener. We have a great technique that can help in
this matter. It is called the Speaker/Listener or Couple's Fair
Exchange technique and details are below.
Use an object that can be passed back and
forth to each other when it is that person's turn to speak. You could
use a card or piece of paper - anything will do.
Rules for the Speaker - they now have the object in their hands.
Speak for yourself, don't mind read
Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on.
Stop to let the listener paraphrase what they think they heard.
Rules for the Listener
Paraphrase what you hear.
Focus on the speaker's message.
Don't rebut or argue.
Rules for Both
The speaker has the floor.
Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrase.
Share the floor by passing the object so the other person can speak.
Also, our book Talk to
Me has a whole chapter on this process and much more detail on this
subject and I feel both you and your fiancé' can benefit from reading it.
If you haven't taken the Listening Skills Evaluation
quiz on our website please do so. Take it for yourself and then
ask your partner to take it. You both will find it helpful.
The second issue I am reading in your
request is that you have a negative reaction whenever your partner
approaches the subject of sex and when to have it. It is very normal
to get defensive and shut down your listening when you feel you are being
attacked or put down in anyway. Please read our article on
Accepting Influence and Softening the Approach.
It is rarely what is being said that causes defensiveness - it is how things
are being said that matters. Softening the approach will allow for
both of you to listen more clearly without becoming defensive. Once
you practice the Couple's Fair Exchange Technique on small matters at first
it will give you a safe platform for the bigger issues later on.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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