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Dear Positive Way:
My problem is that I had sex with a man I did not know. This occurred three
months ago. I have been seeing him on a regular basis and we have become
friends. We slept together a few times during the first three weeks of
knowing each other. I deeply regret having slept with him, because I broke
one of the principles I lived by; I do not sleep with someone if I am not in
love with him. The other reason I regret it is because I like him and I
would like to have a relationship with him. A couple of days ago I told him
how I felt and he rejected me. He said he only wants to be friends. This, of
course, hurts me but I accept it; however I am very confused because he
calls several times a day or he drops by my work just to see me. We have
never gone out on dates, there has never been any courtship. When I do not
return his calls or when I try to stay away from him he calls even more. I
want to know how to win his heart. Can you help? Signed, Regretful,
age 19
Dear Regretful:
Thank you for your email. No wonder you are confused with this man's
actions. He is acting as if he wants more than a friendship. First, I want
you to forgive yourself for having sex before you wanted to. Go back to
your principles, morals and values and don't have sex with anyone unless you
are in a committed relationship first. Set your boundaries and don't allow
someone to cross over them without a full commitment.
Here are some things I want you to consider:
1. Don't have sex with this man any
longer. If he wants to be friends don't allow any physical contact other
than what friends would do, like an occasional hug.
2. Let him pursue you. Don't call him. Keep your conversations very short
when he does call. Ask him to get to the point and let him know you have
other plans (even if it is to wash your hair). Let him know you have a life
and other interests.
3. If he wants to see you then tell him you will meet him in a public place
for a cup of coffee or a meal.
If you haven't already please check out the following articles on our web
site:
Forgiveness , How to Love
Your Mate , and How to Own and Express your
Feelings .
Don't try to force this relationship. Anything forced will prove to be
extremely painful in the future. I understand your feelings of hurt and I
don't want you to experience more hurt by forcing a relationship that might
not be meant to be.
This article on sex may also help you understand what
you are feeling.
After you express and own your feelings then let them go. The ball is in
his court. Let him lead the way.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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