I don't have any
friends.
Dear Positive Way:
I am 24 years old and till now I have not have any friend all my life. 99.9%
of the people that I met and became acquainted WILL eventually (as we talk
to each other a couple more times) pretend as if they do not know or see me
coming, ignore me or even turn hostile towards me although I tried my best
to be a nice person (I just realized two weeks ago that I am co-dependent and
a committed people pleasure, very unassertive, and I think that is only one
of the causes). Almost 100% (I am very sure) of the people that I met think
that I am anybody and with low self-esteem and my relationship with others
is very "fickle". Although I am quite capable academically but there is
always a constant hollowness in my outlook for life. They can treat me
really nicely one day and very badly at another. That makes me confused and
hesitant all the time. All OF THEM do this to me and that makes me believe
that the root of the problem is probably mine. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP. I am
going nowhere in all my relationships with others. I move from one church to
the other because of all this.
In fact, this has been a problem ever since I was very little: I was and am
always a subject of scorn, sarcasm, and just pure unreasonable dislike.
PLEASE give me a reply or at least refer me to a counselor or psychiatrist
in the San Francisco area. Thank you so much for being so kind. I really
look forward hearing from you soon. Yours truly, Signed, Bill, age 24
Dear Bill: Thank you for your email. I can understand why you
would be confused and hesitant with peoples inconsistent behavior towards
you. It is very difficult to find real friends that will appreciate and
love us for whom we are. There is hope however and I would like for you to
consider the following:
1. Like attracts like. If you don't like and respect yourself others will
follow your lead. People sense when someone doesn't feel good about
themselves and react accordingly. When you learn to love and respect you
then others will follow your lead.
2. The majority of our self-esteem is formed by age 8. If you didn't have
caretakers that had good self-esteem then they were not capable or able to
give you positive self-esteem. They can't give away what they didn't have
in the first place. We derive a lot of our self-esteem from the people
around us. If you have positive supportive people in your life it is easier
to develop self-esteem. Negative people will bring you down. Misery loves
company.
3. We create our own reality with our thoughts and words. Until you change
your thoughts and words I am afraid you will continue to create this
unsatisfying reality.
4. You are in control of your feelings and thoughts. You cannot control
the feelings and thought of others. Be in charge of your thoughts and
feelings and don't allow other people to decide your self-worth. That needs
to come from within.
Bill, there are several articles on our web site that I would like for you
to read. Start with the self-esteem articles
and then read Words Do Count . Please read the
many articles we have posted that pertain to self-esteem and how to change.
Bill, you are on the right track in reaching out for some professional
help. I wish I had a good referral for you in your area but I don't. I
would recommend you ask your family doctor for one or ask a minister at one
of the churches for a referral. I wish you the very best. Please don't
hesitate to email again.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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