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Dear
Positive Way,
I'm married and I love my husband, but I'm not that happy right now, I also
still love my ex too he knows it I told him, he's engaged I think he's my
soulmate. Now my ex isn't talking to me anymore. I want him back; I told
my husband if things don't change I'm leaving. I told my ex if things don't
work out on his end the door will be open if he wants another chance with
me. He was gonna pop the question to me when we were together I just found
that out 2 months ago, I never broke up with him when I met my husband so I
know I hurt him bad. He said he doesn't love me anymore but I feel he still
loves me a little. He acted like he was glad I found him and he was
surprised I still loved him. He said he didn't forget me and he still
thinks about the stuff we did. Should I contact him? I want to know if we
have a chance if it doesn't work out with me or him, and if he still loves
me. Maybe he's teasing me. I think about him daily. Help Me!!
Signed, confused, age 32.
Dear Confused, I can understand your confusion. In some way it must
feel good to have more than one man who might be in love with you. On the
other hand it has to be difficult for you when you have trouble choosing
between the man you married and committed to and an old boyfriend from your
past who may or may not still have feelings for you. I’d like you to
consider that the real issue for you right now and for your future love-life
is not a question of “who” or “which man should I choose” but rather a
question of what love and marriage really mean to you. My answer is
“No, do not contact your ex boyfriend.” You need to take some time right
now to understand who you are, what you want out of life, what love really
means and to work on your marriage. Consider the following:
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We all are confused
about love at some time in our lives. It is very complex and we just
aren’t taught enough about it as we grow up. We have a great article on
the site titled
Five Myths that will give you some insights into what it takes to
build a strong relationship. I’d also like you to take the time to read
the articles on the
Relationship Advice page. I think that several of these will help you
clear your confusion.
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The foundation for
choosing an ideal mate is based on self-understanding. Please use the
Compatibility Guide. Don’t use it to choose between your husband and
your ex boyfriend. Use it to start a conversation with yourself about who
you are, what you want out of life, and what you can bring to any
relationship. As you gain a better understanding of yourself you can
better understand your relationships and the men you attract. You have
the opportunity to
Change and Grow for the better. I also recommend you read and
study the section on
self-esteem for further self understanding and self development.
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Consider that you
have an obligation to yourself and the man you married to make an
investment in making the marriage work. You have not yet invested enough
to earn the right to walk away from this commitment. Being “…not that
happy right now” is not enough reason to run off with another man. My
concern is that you will “jump out of the frying pan right into the
fire.” In addition to the articles I have already mentioned I suggest
that you work on your marriage using
Problem Solving methods,
Problems What Can I Say,
communication skills,
How to Love and the principles in the
Five Myths.
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Please consider
getting marriage counseling with your husband to make sure that you and he
give your marriage the chance that it deserves. Investing to make your
marriage work is an investment not only in the marriage but also in your
self-development. Ask your pastor, check the links on our
links page and read your yellow pages to find
counselors in your area. If you want a better relationship with your
husband you have to invest in the relationship. You can change yourself,
you and your husband can learn new relationship skills but you cannot fix
the marriage by telling your husband to change. That’s not only unfair to
him but it’s also unfair to you. Love and marriage take work as a
partnership.
We wish you the best
in your journey of self discovery and building better relationships.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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