My wife and I divorced in February 1997. She wanted to be with another man.
Shortly after I moved out, she moved herself and our son in with this man.
Now she is unhappy with him and wants us to get back together. I have always
loved her very much and did not want a divorce, I begged her not to go
through with it. Now, I am elated that she wants to give us another chance,
but very afraid of going through this again. She has broken the most sacred
covenant she could ever make with me. How can I trust her again and get past
my feelings of betrayal to allow our relationship to grow. What happens when
she meets someone else this time? How can I let my guard down to let her
in? Signed Larry age 38
Dear Larry: Thank
you for your email. What a good point you've made. How can you trust your
ex-wife again after she has broken the most sacred convenient she could ever
make with you? Be very cautious. She will have to earn back your trust.
Here are some things I want you to consider.
1. A lasting, healthy, loving relationship takes a lot more than love to
hold it together. You need Honesty, Understanding, Respect and Kindness. It
takes two people to be totally committed to a relationship before it can
work and be successful.
2. You should be cautious before going through another marriage with this
woman. She will have to earn back your respect and trust. This cannot
happen overnight. I suggest you insist on counseling for the two of you
before you commit to a long term relationship. The both of you need a safe
avenue to express all of your concerns, feelings and desires. Nothing will
get better until you get to the root of the problem in the first place. Why
would she break your vowels? Why would she risk everything without giving
her first marriage a chance? What was it about the other man that made her
leave in the first place?
3. Larry, you need some answers to the above questions. After you get the
truthful answers then you will need some solutions so these issues will not
come up again. It is very important you set some boundaries for yourself
and the relationship. Don't accept this woman back on blind faith. Learn
from the mistakes. Find out what her needs are and then try to fill them.
Tell her what your needs are and tell her how she can fill them. Get to the
hidden issues. People don't just fall out of love. There are long term
hidden issues that have eaten away at the foundation of the relationship.
You need to uncover those hidden issues.
There are some articles on our web site I think you will find helpful. Check
out how to Express and own your Feelings. Also, if
you haven't already, check out the Four Danger Signs
. There are also many articles on our site that I think you will find
helpful. Please take the time to read them and act on the knowledge.
Larry, your wife has to own up to her actions. You are not responsible for
her actions. She is 100 percent responsible for her actions and feelings.
You are 100 percent responsible for yours. Don't buy into her trying to
blame you for her actions. Okay? I wish you the very best.
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.