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My partner withdraws

How can I trust my wife again?

My wife and I divorced in February 1997. She wanted to be with another man. Shortly after I moved out, she moved herself and our son in with this man. Now she is unhappy with him and wants us to get back together. I have always loved her very much and did not want a divorce, I begged her not to go through with it. Now, I am elated that she wants to give us another chance, but very afraid of going through this again. She has broken the most sacred covenant she could ever make with me. How can I trust her again and get past my feelings of betrayal to allow our relationship to grow. What happens when she meets someone else this time? How can I let my guard down to let her in?   Signed Larry age 38

Dear Larry: Thank you for your email.  What a good point you've made.  How can you trust your ex-wife again after she has broken the most sacred convenient she could ever make with you?  Be very cautious.  She will have to earn back your trust.  Here are some things I want you to consider.

1.  A lasting, healthy, loving relationship takes a lot more than love to hold it together.  You need Honesty, Understanding, Respect and Kindness. It takes two people to be totally committed to a relationship before it can work and be successful.

2.  You should be cautious before going through another marriage with this woman.  She will have to earn back your respect and trust.  This cannot happen overnight.  I suggest you insist on counseling for the two of you before you commit to a long term relationship.  The both of you need a safe avenue to express all of your concerns, feelings and desires.  Nothing will get better until you get to the root of the problem in the first place.  Why would she break your vowels?  Why would she risk everything without giving her first marriage a chance?  What was it about the other man that made her leave in the first place?

3.  Larry, you need some answers to the above questions.  After you get the truthful answers then you will need some solutions so these issues will not come up again.  It is very important you set some boundaries for yourself and the relationship.  Don't accept this woman back on blind faith.  Learn from the mistakes.  Find out what her needs are and then try to fill them.  Tell her what your needs are and tell her how she can fill them.  Get to the hidden issues.  People don't just fall out of love.  There are long term hidden issues that have eaten away at the foundation of the relationship. You need to uncover those hidden issues.

There are some articles on our web site I think you will find helpful. Check out how to Express and own your Feelings.  Also, if you haven't already, check out the Four Danger Signs . There are also many articles on our site that I think you will find helpful. Please take the time to read them and act on the knowledge.

Larry, your wife has to own up to her actions.  You are not responsible for her actions.  She is 100 percent responsible for her actions and feelings. You are 100 percent responsible for yours.  Don't buy into her trying to blame you for her actions. Okay?  I wish you the very best.

 

Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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