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Future Step Dad
Dear Positive Way, I am a single man (never
married or had kids) soon to be married to a wonderful woman who has been
divorced 2 times. She has children from both marriages and there lies in
the problem. We can not come to an agreement on raising the
kids...primarily the two teens. One is a 15 year old step-daughter who has
an 18 year old boyfriend who comes over and stays at our house on almost a
daily basis. The "hang out" in her bedroom with the door open and he has to
leave by 9:30pm during weekdays and 11:30pm on weekends. My problem is I
get tired of him coming over ALL the time and would like some peace and
quite once in a while. He also goes to the pantry and grabs food like its
his own house which I'll admit annoys me. I think him coming over 2-3 times
per week would be better. On top of it, whenever her boyfriend is there,
she pretty much has nothing to do with the rest of the family. Since we
bought her a car, I told her she has to work 8 hours a week to pay for gas
and spending money. Since school started she has only worked one day and it
was only 4 hours. We pay her an allowance of $50 per month because she
really is a good kid--gets good grades, doesn't do drugs/alcohol, and is a
cheerleader. We also pay for her cell phone and occasional clothes but make
her pay for her "date" night dinners/movies, etc.
The second teenager is a 17 year old boy who comes and goes as he pleases.
He's a handful who just pierced his lip with a baby pin yesterday and
dresses in goth. His real dad just spent $5,000 a month for the past 9
months sending him to a boys school where he got his GED. We thought that
when he got back things would change. They haven't. Of the 3-4 weeks he's
been home, he hasn't came home at night several times and has left for 3-5
days at a time. He won't get a job and he just wants to hang out with
friends. He spends the day at home on the computer and then leaves in the
evening to be with friends. What should I do? signed, FutureStepDad, age 36
Dear FutureStepDad, You are wise to question these
things now before you marry and become a Stepfamily. Stepfamilies are
the most challenging family unit and they require different rules and
guidelines. We have done extensive research on this subject and are
also a stepfamily unit and we have some advice and some suggestions for you
to consider:
1. The biological parent is the one that has to do
the discipline and set the rules. The stepparent has to allow this to
happen and not take over the role of disciplinarian for at least the first
few years.
2. The children need to see a united front so you
and your soon to be wife must meet in private and create new family rules
that you both can agree on and support.
3. Be very clear with your partner on what you like
and don't like and discuss openly and honestly about what you would like to
see changed or improved upon. Negotiate new rules and then let her explain
them to the children.
4. Your role as stepfather is to be one of friend
and mentor. Don't try to be their Dad. Let them know you want to
be their friend and try to support them in their hobbies and interest.
Try to have some one on one time with each one of them as often as possible.
If your future wife refuses to listen to your concerns and
reevaluate and negotiate new family rules that you both can support and
uphold then take that as a sign that this relationship may not work in the
long run. Since she has been divorced 2 times already the odds are
high that this relationship may not work if you can't work all of these
issues out before you marry. Marriage will only make the issues
worse not better unless they are resolved ahead of time. Please
read our article on Tips for Stepfathers and
Stepfamily Resources and
Reading Recommendations.
Please understand you have free will.
This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help.
This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional
counseling. We wish you well. |
