Dear Positive Way,

I met someone who wasn't able to see my character in the best way as I was going through some troubles in my marriage. I feel I am strong in my values and like the kind of person I am in all the years I have been married. I feel the person doesn't know me like my other friends do the past 10 years.  I feel I was unhealthy and feeling insecure in this friendship.  I want this person to see me in a new light, however patience is not my strength as well this person is angry with me as I didn't take some of their advice.  I want to respect the person's space and listen.  Do you have any ideas?   Thank you!  Signed, character, woman, age 42.

Dear character, Here are some ideas for you to consider.  Please also read the material on the links I have put in the answer below.

1. You say that you are strong in your values and I interpret what you are saying to mean that you are still working on your self-esteem and improving.  I suggest that you continue to work on your self-esteem using some of the material on our site and in some of our recommended books.  People of very high self-esteem do not need relationships with others who may not share their values.  People of high self-esteem associate with friends who are mutually supportive.
    

2. Perhaps you can clarify your concerns with your friend by using some of the powerful communication techniques you can find on our site.  I suggest that you take the communication evaluations and read the articles on how to communicate.  Please understand that if you ask for advice and then don’t take it the advisor may be disappointed.  But your job in life is to do what is right for you not what is right for the advisor.  If you don’t want to disappoint your friend, don’t ask for advice.  If advice is offered without asking let them know you don’t want it or tell them you will consider what they have to say and make your own judgment.  You teach people how to treat you.
    

3. Be careful about what personal problems you choose to share with others.  If you are complaining or distressed, it is a friendly gesture to offer advice.  Work on solving the underlying problems instead of complaining.
    

4. You did not state whether or not you are still married.  You indicate that you were going through some troubles in your marriage.  Maybe it’s time to focus on your husband and try to develop your relationship into a friendship.  Then you will not have to go outside the marriage as much for friendship.  Please read Change and Grow as a start for your process.  Also read the couples information on our site.

The power to grow and develop in a positive way lies in the knowledge that you gain and within you.  Encourage only those friendships that are truly supportive of your self-development and well being.  Do your part to make those relationships flourish. Good luck.

Please understand you have free will.  This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling.  We wish you well.

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