Dear Positive Way Money Coach, My boyfriend and I are both 28 years old, and I'm very concerned about his financial decisions and his credit.  We haven't talked about marriage yet, but it's headed that direction. 

My concern is that he has a bankruptcy from 3-4 years ago, as well as other charged off accounts.  He somehow managed to buy a brand new $34,000 car six months ago.  He also moved to a more expensive apartment (a $400 increase over his last place).  Now, he is drowning financially and doesn't seem to know how to deal with it!  His parents have already taken over his phone bill, paying off a big screen TV and also give him cash here and there.  This is not how I was raised, and now I'm beginning to see why.

He is incredibly depressed about his money situation, but will not actually take any steps to make changes.  He needs to sell the car (which he agrees with) and get a loan to pay off the rest of the auto loan.  His credit may not allow him to get a $10,000 loan, which is what he needs, but he won't even try.  His only other option is to refinance his car and try lowering his payment.  It's currently $610 a month.

 
His comments to me have been things like "I've been trying" or "My dad won't buy the car from me" and the best of all, "I should just tell the bank to come get the car because my credit is so screwed that it'll never be any better.  I'll never be able to buy a house or anything".  How can someone think this way?  I would like to marry this man, but he is content to let things crumble around him and do nothing.

My instinct is to leave him, but he has so many other good qualities.  I want to talk to him and let him know that I am very concerned and that I don't see a future for us if he can't get his finances together.

How can I approach this very sensitive guy about this very sensitive subject without putting undue pressure on him or making myself seem controlling?

Signed: puella_mea

Dear puella_mea, You are a very wise woman to address this issue long before getting married to anyone.  It is clear that financial responsibility is one of your core principles and values as an individual.  To enter into a long-term relationship with someone who does not share those values would be likely to put more stress on you and the relationship than you would want.

Here are some things for you to consider as you ask how you can approach this very sensitive guy about this very sensitive subject:

1. The first conversation:  Set an appointment with your boyfriend by asking him to set aside time for you.  Let him know that it will only take ten minutes.  In this first conversation, use communication tools such as the NAME Statement (link).  Use this opportunity to let your boyfriend know how you feel and that you would like to help you and him work through it as a couple.  Your primary goal in this first conversation is to try to establish a safe environment for your next conversations.  Do not try to resolve the problem at this time as that can only come when you both feel safe about talking about the issues. At the end of the first conversation, tell him that you would like to meet again.  Try to agree to a time within a few days.  If he needs time to think, give it to him and ask in a few days for another meeting. 
2. The next conversations:  Read the extensive articles on communication (link) on The Positive Way site to find the tools that you think will work for the two of you. If the first meeting is stressful, consider the guidelines for family meetings (link).  Your objectives in the next conversations should be to clearly understand his position and feelings, make sure he understands that you are there to listen and support him, to find solutions to the problems, to put those solutions into context and, at some point, make it clear to him that unless the situation changes, you will move on for your own sake.
3. Problem solving: Use the Problem Solving – Three Step Guide (link) along with the fundamental money management tools on this Financial Freedom site to understand the situation, find solutions and put those solutions into action.
4. Spending time:  The long-term history shows (bankruptcy, counting on Dad to bail him out, etc.) that his spending behaviors are deep rooted.  He will not change overnight.  He can make immediate changes if he is properly motivated.  He can only prove that these changes are permanent over time – a year or two at least.
5. The concerns:  At some point it would be wise to have him talk to a professional (counselor, physician, etc.).  Those conversations should include his symptoms with a view toward depression or other underlying psychological conditions.  This may truly not be about the money when you dig deeply enough.  Depression is a medical condition that can and should be treated.
6. The personal conversation:  You already have alarm bells going off in your head.  Even though you are thinking about marriage, it is clear that you see this irresponsible behavior as a warning sign (Relationship Deal Breakers).  You need to take the time to really evaluate what is important to you in your life and in your relationships.  The cautionary word is that going against who you really are can be very painful for everyone involved.  These personal conversations will allow you to maintain control of your life and help your boyfriend to the extent that is appropriate and possible.  Remember that, as much as we would like, we cannot fix other people’s problems.  And the only behaviors we can control are our own.  Do not deny your instincts.

I wish you the best.  Use your strength and wisdom to first take care of your well being and then do what you can for your boyfriend.  Do not sacrifice yourself in “life's very fragile hour.”

The Positive Way – Financial Freedom Money Coach

www.positive-way.com/financial_freedom  

Please remember that you are in control of your life.  None of this information should ever be considered a substitute for medical, financial or legal advice.