Dear Positive Way Money Coach,

My husband and I have been together for twenty years.  When it comes to money I find that I am intimidated and outright scared to communicate with him. Every other part of our relationship is wonderful except this.  He has a very controlling nature and I do compensate for that in many ways. I tend to keep my opinions to my self. But with money if something goes wrong he gets very angry and makes me feel as if what ever it is, it is all my fault. So I keep a lot to myself and don’t tell him what I’m doing.   I'm not sure how to rectify this i know that communication is important but how do you communicate with someone that is so hard and fast and thinks that their way is always the right way.  Signed, pinkish

Dear pinkish, you’ve had twenty years to practice your relationship dance.  When he steps one way, you step another in tune to your own music and in your very own way.  You have taught each other how to treat each other and money and control are just two important dance steps.  Here are some things for you to consider.

1. The last thing you need to talk about right now is money!
2. It has taken you twenty years to create your situation so it is reasonable to expect that it could take months if not years to change the situation to one that is more comfortable for you.  Patience and persistence will be required.
3. Save the more difficult topics such as money and control for the time when you both are confident and comfortable with communication.  You both have to know from experience that neither will make a personal attack nor be angry when you discuss hot topics.  Yes, you may become emotional but undue anger is not appropriate.
4. So, start small.  Learn the new dance of communication one conversation at a time.  Start by regularly creating moments when you are together and talk about the good times, what you like about each other and move on to the great future you want to create together.
5. Have family meetings.  You can move from the moments you have created to formally scheduled family meetings.  Read these articles on communication.  They will give you tools and tips.  The family meeting guide will give you tools to discuss even the most difficult topics in safety.
6. Evaluate your communication skills with this assessment and make the appropriate changes.  Work on your listening skills.
7. Examine your money compatibility for clues about where the differences in your thinking about money might be.  Look for the common ground and then see how you can shift those differences toward positions that are more acceptable to you.
8. Get off the merry go round and create positive change.
9. Stop accepting negative behavior and use the NAME Statement to help communicate your feelings and expectations.  “When you get angry with me over money I feel that you blame me (don’t respect me).  Is that what you want?  I will appreciate it if you will treat me as your wife and partner.”
10. If you want even more information about communication, we recommend our book Talk to Me: How to Create Positive Loving Communication.  You can get it right now and have it on your computer to read and study.
11. Understand that, while he tends to be controlling and you tend to be accommodating, there should be no reason that you both cannot adjust.  Guide him with your new behaviors, new communication and be sure to help him understand what you want him to do or not do to help create a better marriage.  Men often need gentle (or firm) guidance.
12. Recognize that it may not be about the money.  Ask your husband about his job and other aspects of his life that may lead him to feel more or less in control.  Help him get control of his life and he may need to be less controlling of yours.

Yes, this is a lot to do.  Study and think about the materials we’ve recommended and take one step at a time toward twenty better years.  With patience, practice and persistence you and your husband can learn money communication and far more.

www.positive-way.com/financial_freedom  

Please remember that you are in control of your life.  None of this information should ever be considered a substitute for medical, financial or legal advice.