Dear Positive Way Money Experts, My daughter’s boyfriend keeps coming to me (the daughters mother) to borrow money and does not want my daughter to know. I think this is wrong and it makes me feel bad. What should I do? My daughter borrows money from me too. I need help! Signed, sharelaine

 Dear sharelaine,  So, your daughter is borrowing money from you and her boyfriend is Asking you to loan money to him and asking you to lie about it.  You did not say how old your daughter is, what the financial circumstances are or give any other details but rest assured that none of this matters.  The only thing that matters is that the actions of your daughter and her current boyfriend make you feel bad by putting you in a difficult position!

Here are some communication and money suggestions for you to consider:

1. You teach people how to treat you so it’s time to give them a new lesson how you expect them to treat you.  You can only do this by changing your responses to their requests for handouts.
2. When the boyfriend next asks you for money do not say “yes” under any circumstance.  Here are alternative responses for you to consider for preparing your own responses:
   1. “No.”  Then say absolutely nothing else.  Be silent no matter how much he says or what he says.  Walk away if you must.  The lesson here is that it is a closed subject.
   2. “No, and I would like to know when you are going to pay back the money (name the amount) you owe me starting now.  I would appreciate having the full amount (name the amount) that you have borrowed from me by the end of this week or a firm payment plan that will have the full amount repaid within ___ weeks.  I suggest that you start with __$ per week.  Thank you for respecting my wishes.”  Do not debate the matter.  You owe this person no explanation of any kind.  If he tries to argue merely restate your request for a payment plan.  If he still argues, restate your request again and again until he responds.  The lessons here are that not only is he not going to get any more money but he is also being held responsible for his actions.  The most you can say other than repeating the request for payment is: “You did mean to repay me when you asked to borrow the money didn’t you?”  Ask that again and again until you get a “yes” or “no” response.
   3. Bring up the subject of repayment at a time of your choosing rather than waiting for him to ask.  This puts you more in control.
   4. Tell the boyfriend that you would like him to tell your daughter everything including the outcome of this conversation but you will if he doesn’t.
3. Recognize that when family members ask to “borrow” money they are often thinking “gift.”  They have no real intention of repaying the money.  They may say otherwise but they really don’t mean it deeply.  They count on your good will as a parent or family member to do the “right thing” for them.
4. Now is the time for you to do the “right thing” for yourself.  You owe it to yourself.
5. After the boyfriend has had a chance to tell your daughter the situation, follow up with her and give any details he may have left out.  Tell her that the Bank of Mom is closed because it is making you very uncomfortable.  Tell her that you have asked her boyfriend for a repayment plan and you expect him to follow through on it as a responsible person.  You can set a good example for your daughter by showing her that you expect honesty to be part of all your relationships.
6. Your daughter probably doesn’t realize how uncomfortable all this is making you.  Ask your daughter for her help in keeping the Bank of Mom closed.  Tell her “When you or your boyfriends ask me for money it makes me feel very uncomfortable.  I will really appreciate your support in stopping this.”  Tell her further, if you feel you must explain, that you have been advised to use your money to:  build a rainy day fund, pay off any credit card debt, pay off any other loan, build a fund for retirement, get better health insurance, and/or save for a special event or purchase just for yourself.  Say “I’m sure you will agree that you can support me in doing what is important for me.”  Here are some additional tools and tips for communication.
7. If your daughter says she can’t get by on her income, send her to these pages:  Money Saving Ideas and Make More Money.  The first page shows 36 ways to reduce the cost of living and the second shows 14 ways to make more money.  Let her know that you will support her in her efforts to achieve any of these goals – just not by giving her cash.  After all, a mother’s responsibility is to teach her children how to be fully independent.
8.  If at some time you choose to loan money to any individual, including family, document the loan in writing in legal format.  You must include the amount due and the interest due along with the payment plan and collateral.  The following site has free legal loan forms: ilrg.com/forms/promisry.html .  Loan documents formalize the lending relationship and can actually reduce tension.  In the worst case, if they don't pay you, you might be able to write the loan off on your taxes as a bad debt but check with your tax accountant first.
9. Understand that “borrowed” money is often used to directly or indirectly support another person’s lifestyle: not working or not working extra hours, expensive cars, clothes, dining out, smoking, drugs, alcohol, entertainment, and so forth.  You do not have to support that under any circumstance. 

Good luck.  Be strong.  Remember that even though you cannot change other people you can teach them how to treat you by setting new boundaries and expectations.  Set your boundaries so that they will not even think to ask you about loaning money and will be sincere in their efforts to repay you.

Please remember that you are in control of your life.  None of this information should ever be considered a substitute for medical, financial or legal advice.