Financial Responsibility Issues

Dear Positive Way Money Experts, My daughter and son-in-law have been married 12 years and have 6 children.  Due to a lack of planning (low paying jobs, spending more than they make, lack of family planning), they are always in debt crisis.  I am person who is frequently asked for money.  I have helped here but require that I'm paid back.  Most of the time they do pay me back but it takes them a long time.  However, they owe me approximately $5,000 (for one year).

Currently, they are in a very bad situation. My son-in-law is a carpenter who is laid off. For some reason he believes it is wrong to collect unemployment or obtain any sort of public assistance (i.e. food stamps, WIC).  I see his point on public assistance but unemployment is not welfare.  He also refuses to look for other types of jobs or learn any other type of work.  I get the feeling he is paralyzed.  He doesn't know what to do, so he does nothing.  There also may be a little passive-aggression going on.  Any suggestions made by his wife to look for other types of work are ignored.

My daughter has a part-time job with benefits.  I told her she needs to get a full-time job and maybe he stays home to watch the kids if he isn't going to help himself.

I don't want them to make a lifestyle of receiving public assistance but they are two months behind on the house payments and are in severe danger of losing their home. 

Their utilities are being cut off and family members, including me, have been buying them groceries and buying their two oldest children school clothes.

I am at my wits end and feel like we are enabling them.  They have been bailed out time and again I am through lending them money.  However, I feel bad for the kids.  I know I can't change my son-in-law's behavior. My daughter will listen but doesn't take the action needed. 

Any advice? tbird2
 

I can certainly understand your concerns for the welfare of your grandchildren and the frustrating position that you are in.  It appears that you have already thought this through and have a good understanding of the issues.  Here are some things for you to consider that may help you create some additional choices and opportunities.

Financial responsibility:

1. You are correct that your behavior is enabling.  Everyone in this situation is contributing to the behaviors either as a direct participant or as an enabler.

2. You are also correct that you cannot change your son-in-law's behavior.  In fact you cannot change anyone's behavior.  You may educate and offer alternatives but you cannot change anyone.  People will change their behaviors only by personal choice or by brute force of circumstance dictating their options.

3. You are also correct that unemployment benefits are not public assistance.  It is in fact, unemployment insurance, for which your son-in-law has paid thousands of dollars for over the years through his payroll taxes.  His argument makes no sense and if he understood the fact that he has paid for the insurance just like his car insurance he might be more prone to accept it.  Wouldn't he make an insurance claim if his car was damaged?

4. You are probably correct in assessing that their is some combination of pride, stubbornness, ignorance and passive aggressive behavior being exhibited here...not that you can make a direct change to that behavior.

5. Your daughter is the only one here who is in a position to step up to the plate and take leadership.  You have the opportunity to educate and assist her in understanding her options.  Therefore, here are some things for you to consider talking to your daughter about:
   
   a) Is her husband depressed?  If that is possible, he should be directed toward competent medical assistance.
   b) Educate her on unemployment insurance and suggest that she insist that her husband apply.  She should do the paperwork if necessary.
   c) Educate her on public assistance and assister her in making application for the family independent of her husband if necessary.  She should contact social services to determine what her options are and what other services are available.  Assist the learning process to the extent you can and want.
   d) Locate a free or low-cost local financial advisor and assist your daughter in getting professional advice - soon.
   e) Both your daughter and her husband should talk to employment advisors about better job opportunities.  That is often available as part of the unemployment insurance process.
   f) Tell her that your financial assistance, should you choose to provide any more, is conditional on whatever changes you want.  Write them into a formal contract.
   g) You and other family members don't loan funds without a formal loan contract with stipulations as you see fit.
    

6. Understand that if your daughter and husband choose to their behaviors they are also choosing the consequences for themselves.  It is up to you to decide if you will take on those consequences for yourself as well.

7. It sounds like they need to do much more than to cut costs but they should review this list of ways to save money anyway.

8. They should also look to increase their income with two full-time jobs or one full-time and another part-time job.  There are many ways to increase income.

9. They should be talking to their mortgage lender right now to see what options they have on saving the home.  At the same time, they should look at rentals that might save them money and be more affordable.

10. This sounds like a very complex situation that really could benefit from professional assistance - in person.  Pastors, priests, counselors, social services and others from the community they live in are probably the best resource.  Many of these are available at no cost.  Make calls to the local non-profit agencies and governments (typically social services) and ask who provides what services.

11. Above all, as you are already doing, look out for the welfare of the minor children (your grandchildren).  They are the helpless victims of the bad choices of the adults around them.  Use the available public resources as necessary to support them.  A baby doesn't know if the nutrition came from WIC but it certainly knows hunger.  Mature, responsible parents provide first and don't worry about pride instead.

Sometimes the best you can do for an adult child is to offer the wisdom of your advice, hold their hands when they let you and wipe their tears when they fail.  Life has to be the teacher when they will not listen to you.