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Dear
Positive Way Money Experts, I have been with my bf for 2 1/2 years. During
this time he borrowed $16,000 & asked me to marry him. It is 1 1/2 yrs
later & he still owes me $10,000. He lost his job 9 months ago & has been
working odd jobs & making @ $600 a week. He owes $400 per month child
support & @ $1000 in other bills. Making it difficult to pay me back & do
anything else, like plan a wedding or any type of future together. He has
no savings, retirement, insurance, doesn't own a house & I am frustrated &
want to end the relationship. He wants me to wait another year; he says
that by then he will have paid me back (making it 2 1/2 to get that done) &
have a good job. I don't understand why I have to wait. Why would he ask
me to marry him, if he wasn't financially ready? Will he ever get his life
together? Signed sportland.
Dear
sportland, you asked three questions but I think you already know the
answers.
Your
first question was, “I don't understand why I have to wait.” I think you
understand that you don’t have to wait for someone else to move on in your
own life.
Your
second question was, “Why would he ask me to marry him, if he wasn't
financially ready?” The sad truth is that people who are financially
incompatible get married all the time. When one is a saver and financially
responsible and the other is a spender and financially irresponsible, the
outcome is often divorce. The spender usually wins because they get a free
ride for at least some period of time. The saver loses from day one because
their partner’s behavior goes against their principles.
Your
third question was, “Will he ever get his life together?” There is an old
and wise saying: “The past is the best predictor of future performance.”
This past performance does not look good. Second marriages divorce 75% of
the time. People with a history of not being able to hold a job often
repeat that history. Etc.
My
question to you is “Why would you stay in an unhappy relationship with
little prospect for the future just on the odd chance that you might get
$10,000 repaid?”
I think
you have two choices. The first is to enter into intensive couples
counseling to see if you can save the relationship and the other is to cut
your losses. In either case, it is time for you to look out for your own
best interests for the long term. It would be a good idea to consult with a
lawyer in addition to a counselor before you take any action.
Loaning friends money
As
general advice to anyone loaning money to anyone
including friends or family, make sure you get them to sign a valid loan
contract. This gives you something that is enforceable in court and in case
it is not repaid, you have the real possibility of claiming it as a bad debt
loss on your income taxes.
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