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Dear Positive Way:
I love my girlfriend very much, but recently we have been really falling out
over the smallest things. It has come to a crunch point - do we split up or
do we fall out. I know that I love her very much, but I don't think that she
loves me the same. She has a lot of heartbreak throughout her life - her
mum has been married & split up 3 times and her sister has just separated
from her husband. I think that this may have affected her. We were going to
get engaged, I bought her a beautiful ring, then she changed her mind,
without proper explanation. I don't feel loved by her at the moment. I
think she does love me, but I am not 100% sure. I don't want to lose her,
but I am not prepared to feel unwanted, uncared for and unloved. My head
tells me to leave her, but my heart tells me to stay. Whilst we have been
having these problems, I have met a really nice girl called Mary. She has
been there listening to me and I like her very much.
She is going away to University soon and I she has said that we should
become friends first and see what happens. I don't want to hurt her, but my
primary concern is that I don't want to feel crap all the time. Any advice
would be really grateful. Signed Steve age 21
Dear Steve: Thank
you for your email. It is very difficult being with someone that your not
sure that they love you as much as you love them. It is terrible to feel
unwanted and not cared for for when you feel differently yourself. Here are
a couple of things I would like for you to consider.
1. Your girlfriend has had a rough life. Her family examples are that of
divorce and withdrawal. I am sure she is affected by all of this and the
best thing you can do for her is to listen without judgment. Let her share
as much as she wants to share without pushing.
2. Set an appointment with your girlfriend to discuss how you feel. Meet
in a public place over a soft drink. Speak for yourself and how you are not
feeling loved or supported. Be honest and open with your feelings. Please
read the article on our web site on Expressing
and Owning Your Feelings . Read this before you have a meeting with
you girlfriend and practice the advice given in this article.
3. Once you have expressed your honest feelings, give your girlfriend a
chance to express hers. Really listen to her and don't get defensive.
Repeat back what you think you've heard her say. Validate her feelings.
This means try to see things from her eyes as if you were standing in her
shoes.
4. After your talk if she doesn't feel there is any chance of improvement
and doesn't want to really work at the relationship then let her go. Mourn
your loss and move on. Wish her the best and don't try to make her feel
guilty.
Steve, nurture the relationship you have with Mary. You should become good
friends first. Friendship is a great foundation for a loving relationship.
If you feel like crap all the time it is time for a change. You are 100 per
cent responsible for your feelings. Take action and create positive change
in your life. Please see our article on Change .
I wish you the best and remember you are in control of your feelings. Good
luck.
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Please understand
you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of
personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute
for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.
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