Dear Positive Way: I need advise on how to feel better about myself. I feel very bad about myself, I feel very, very ugly, not attractive, not educated, stupid, boring etc. Whenever I'm together with people I'm always worried about what they think of me, and that I'm doing something wrong. I never had a relationship with a man. I feel I'm not good looking enough for a man and that no one can love. But really I don't want to stay always alone. I'm longing for loving relationship but feel its impossible because no one will ever love me. Signed Lea, age 30
Dear Lea: Thank you for your email. It is so hard to face the world when your feeling so down. Low self-esteem is more common than you can imagine and believe it or not those people that you are worried about and what they think of you are having the same concerns of themselves. They are not focused on you but on how you see them also. Here are a few things I would like for you to
1. The majority of our self-esteem is formed by age 8. If you were raised with parents (caretakers) that had low self-esteem they were not able to teach you what they don't have. It is impossible to give something that you don't have your self. Your low feelings are from childhood. You were never taught how to develop positive self-esteem.
2. Positive self-esteem can be learned. One way to start is with very small accomplishments. Set your self some very small goals. Goals that are obtainable. Then achieve those goals. For example one way you could feel better about your looks is to start wearing only the primary colors. Those are Blue, Chinese Blue, Pink, Hot Pink, Purple, Lemon Yellow, and pure chalk white with contrasting black. Research has shown that people who wear bright colors are automatically more attractive to others. Try it. It works.
3. I want you to change your thoughts and words. You are creating your own reality with your words. When you think you are stupid, boring and ugly you will actually prove it through others by your actions. Choose your words carefully. Please see our article Change and Grow .
4. Set yourself a small goal of not thinking or saying anything negative about yourself for at least 4 hours. If you slip rephrase your statement into something positive. For example if you say "I'm so stupid" rephrase it and say "I am learning from my mistakes." If you say "I'm so boring" say "I
am reading more and listening to self-help books so I can become more interesting". Then of course I want you to read or listen to self-help books. Any kind will do. Find one appropriate to your situation and read it. If you want some recommendations please let me know.
5. Research shows you must read a book or listen to it 6 times within 30 days to get all the information. Repetition is the key. Please try this as soon as possible.
6. You are a lovable human being. Learn to love yourself and then others will love you. Like attracts like. The more you learn to like & love you the more someone will like and love you.
Lea, if you would like I will give you a free 30 minute phone consultation. Let me know if you would be interested. If you haven't already please check out our articles starting with Self-esteem. I wish you all the best.
Please understand you have free will. This advice is given only in the realm of personal growth and self-help. This is not to be considered a substitute for therapy or professional counseling. We wish you well.